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Tundra heart



October 11th, 2006

Hello from confines of my office!! It sucks in here because I can't enjoy looking at the trees changing colors or the bright sunshine. I could lean over really far and look out my window, but I have fallen out of my chair one too many times and it starts to hurt after a while.
Tonight, while supposedly working, I did something that I have been wanting to do for years. I went back and read some old posts from a friend. I didn't read them all, perhaps that will be for another day. Regardless, it didn't seem to help. Rather, it re-opened old wounds and quite possibly created new ones. But I brought it upon my self, I asked for the door to be opened and when it was, I walked through it. Whatever the case, thank you for letting me. You know who you are.
After a break-up you always wonder what you would do if you ever saw/talked to that person again. Like that Brooks and Dunn song "It's Getting better All the Time" you just never know what will happen when that day comes, and believe me, it will come. Tonight, I had that encounter. My ex, who had been reading my post and posting anonymously for a few months now, revelaed her identity to me. In the back of my mind, I knew it was her simply from the little hints she'd drop, etc. But nothing prepares you for the day when you actually talk to her, even if it is by LJ. Right now, I don't know what exactly I am feeling or how I am supposed to feel.
I want so bad to consider her a friend. I have missed her friendship, even though we live thousands of miles apart. I want her to share in the joys of me and my wife's lives together, and likewise with her and her husband's. But...why can't I bring myself to do it? Why can't I get past our past and look to the future? It burdens my heart so much that it hurts.
I can't do this. I will post more later.

October 7th, 2006

Good evening to all fellow LJ'ers (is that right?). Here I am, ready to post another wonderful LJ post. Actually, it will probably be nothing more than aimless rants that for some reason I feel compelled to write down. I just wish there were people there to read them. :(
So, school has started and I am in way over my head. If I make it through this quarter, I will be absolutely amazed. Sadly, I have only been in school for a week and a half and I have already thought about quitting a hundred times at least. But, I will make it. I will press on. I am woman hear me roar, wait, that's not right. Sorry about that I got carried away.
Well, as the title says, I don't have much to say so I will end another saga of darktundra's journal.
But before I close, let me say this. I have one regret in life. Unfortunately, I can not go back and fix it. I must live each day knowing that. I must carry it around me for the rest of my life and not know what the outcome could have been had I acted on it. The moral of the story? As cliche as it sounds, live your life with no regrets. If you like someone, tell them. It is better to be hurt by rejection (which goes away)than deal with the hurt of not knowing (which does not go away). If you want to do something, do it. Read it. Eat it. Love it. Don't be like me and wind up never knowing what could have been.

October 6th, 2006

Go me!!

I know I said no more blog quizzes but I like the outcome of this one!! I rock!

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it.
You have the confidence to make the first move.
And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best.
Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

September 20th, 2006

I have officially tired of blog quizzes so it will probably be a while until I post another one. Besides, I found out some rather disturbing stuff about myself namely: I am pumpkin pie, I am 17% Vain, I am Cookie Monster (again, not that that is a bad thing), my color is blue, I can pass 8th grade science (I better be able to, it's my major), and some other weird things that I can't remember. Not that I necessarily want to seeing as how they probably don't do much written on a resume.
To be honest, I find it quite disturbing that someone is reading my LJ and posting on it and they won't tell me who they are. It makes me wonder if they have something to hide. Maybe it's someone I know and they are afraid that if I know it's them, I will stop posting. Maybe it's a complete stranger who just happened to come across my LJ and enjoys my mindless postings. But why do they remain hidden behind a veil of mystery? So many questions and it has definately got me intrigued. If you read this, please, I am begging you, tell me who you are. It will not offend, bother, upset, anger, throw me into a pit of dispair, or depress me. I just really want to know who is reading my journal. So please, tell me who you are.
Well, now that I have lost all trace of dignity begging for my lone reader to reveal his/her identity, I will retire for the evening.
But in closing, let me throw this out at ya. I have been blessed beyond my wildest dreams and definately beyond what I deserve. Whenever I get down, I can always look at how far I have come, the things I have overcome, what I have achieved and all the potential I have. As long as I can do that, this world, and all the trouble it holds, will never defeat me.


You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality
Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special

September 11th, 2006

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth.

You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around.

You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking

How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

I don't eat everything!! In fact, I don't eat much at all. I am just happy to be Cookie!!!

Another cool quiz

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
You Are 17% Vain

You don't have a vain bone in your body - almost as a matter of principal.
You demand to be judged on who you are, not what you look like.

September 8th, 2006

Greetings and Aloha from the sunny state of Washington!!!
I am happy to say that my knee is recovering quite nicely from knee surgery and I should be able to go out and injure it again in a couple of months. I can't wait. But seriously, it's doing very well. Woo!! Hoo!! (I say in my best Homer Simpson impersonation.)
Not only that, but the NFL season officially started last night. Unfortunately, I had to work so I missed the game but believe you me I was glued to NFL.com watching the constant updates. I am so excited about this season. For some reason, this off-season I really missed football. But now I am in heaven for the next 4 months.
School starts in 2 weeks. I am not sure if I am excited about that or not. I am ready to get back to complete my last full year under way, but I really enjoy sleeping in and watching Spongebob Squarepants, the Family Feud, and the Price is Right and of course Fairly Odd Parents. Ah, the sacrifices we make in the name of education.
So, to date, the identity of my 1 reader remains a mystery. I must admit it has got me somewhat intrigued for two reasons. 1) Why in the world would anyone want to read my journal? And 2), if they did know about it all along, why they are just now commenting on it? Perhaps it is someone who is stalking me. Maybe they have been secretly in love with me for years but are too shy to say anything. Maybe it is someone I ticked off that wants to kill me. (If that's the case though, why are they taking the time to read my journal?) Maybe they can get me more readers, then I can have 2!!! That would be perfection!!!
Well ladies and gentlemen, I must close for now, but remember one thing-when life throws lemons at you, be thankful that there lemons. They could be something like a grapefruit or kumquat. Or even a pomegranate. (Hee hee, I am chuckling to myself at the thought of someone getting hit by a pomegranate. You should imagine it too. It's pretty funny)

August 22nd, 2006

A poem, just cause.

So for some reason, I feel like writing a poem which is weird cause I haven't written a poem in years. I am ad libbing it, writing as I go. I hope it turns out semi-decent.

(No title since I am just now writing it.)

There are times when I think I have erased
Every part of you from the life I now live.
Chased away all the thoughts and memories we shared;
Washed them from my mind like water through a sieve.

But then there are times that your memory returns
And haunts me to the very depths of my soul.
Remembering the hurt, the love, the laughs, the cries
And picking up the pieces of a heart that was once whole.

I claw and scrape at my heart, wanting it to stop
Wishing that all trace of you would vanish, never to return.
The more I struggle, though, the stronger it becomes,
Casuing my heart to hurt, and my soul to burn.

I want to forget you, your memory, your lies and betrayal,
And move on, making a life that is better without you here.
I now realize, though, that the hurt you caused is permanent,
And that the memories I have of you will never disappear.

I know, I know that sucked. But it actually helped kind of. If anyone who reads this has a title for it I would love to hear it. Also, if anyone comes across it wants to critique it, I would love to hear that as well.
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